Sober, Confusion, and Knee-Deep in Decisions

Before we dive into this week’s drama, just a quick check-in from me. Another reality check and a bit of unglamorization.

To pick up from where I left off last time – a little catch-up: work went well, everyone was lovely, and they reassured me I wasn’t that drunk, saying they’ve seen me worse. We were having a snowball fight, I went to grab one, but my feet slipped on the ice, and my face hit the concrete. Classic. I feel a lot better knowing I wasn’t blackout drunk and just fell on the pavement. I think maybe I got a concussion, which could explain why I don’t remember. Usually, if it's drink-related, I have a hazy recollection, but not a complete blackout.

My feelings about going sober still stand. The amount I beat myself up over being drunk just isn’t worth it anymore. Honestly, I don’t think this is going to be temporary. For it to make a difference, I think I need to quit long term. I’m going to try hard, but I’m also not going to be too hard on myself if I struggle.

This week, my brain has been very confused as I’ve been questioning whether I still want to be in Canada. When I came here, my expectations were way off. I didn’t fully appreciate the hardship, the self-reflection, and the inner work it would involve. I was ready to leave the UK, and I think I carried some resentment towards Torquay because of past pain. There was only so much healing I could do while surrounded by the same faces, hobbies, and scenery.

What I’m craving now is structure, routine, and stability. I’m not sure this place is bringing positivity anymore. I came here seeking freedom—getting out of a serious job and floating around the globe with no responsibilities. Now that I have that, I’ve realized how much I need routine and structure. I have no desire to try to fix my situation here, especially since I don’t feel like this is my place. That makes me wonder if I’m done.

It’s tough because, writing this out, I realize I sound pretty negative. But after reflecting and re-reading, I see a lot of these feelings have been hormone-driven.

This hasn’t been a negative experience at all. There have been ups and downs, but that’s life. I don’t look back on it badly (aside from my tooth and messed-up knee). I’ve had an amazing time and continue to do fun things. I haven’t even seen the best of the weather yet, and I have some loose plans for spring and summer. But now, I’m torn—do I stay here and spend money on trips, go somewhere else, or head home and use the money for a car and a house? Honestly, I have no clue.

Career-wise, I’m living an easy life at the moment, but I’m wanting to build something for myself—something creative that I really enjoy. When I picture that future, I think of England, but I’m not sure when to push for it. I don’t feel like my exploring days are fully over yet.

I had an appointment with a physio, and luckily, it doesn’t seem to be a serious issue. He seemed pretty confident I’d be skipping out of there, but it’s still just as bad. He gave me homework for the next TWO MONTHS, and I’ll see him again on Friday. Fingers crossed I start to see an improvement. For now, I’m listening to his advice and resting. I’m still working, but I’m trying to force myself to stay in and rest, which isn’t really helping my mental state, but I can’t keep ignoring my knee.

Any advice on how to deal with this decision paralysis? I was pretty sure about my choices, but now, with Mother Nature’s visit, I don’t feel as anti-Vancouver as I did before.

SOS, I hate my brain.

P.s. Please share this blog with anyone you feel would resonate, or just likes a read :)